Do you remember the first time that you were talking to your doctor about some complaint you were experiencing and their response included the words, Well, at your age..? I remember being outraged and wanting to ask what my age had to do with anything! In The Netherlands where I live, you are asked to give your date of birth for all kinds of reasons that I was not accustomed to in the UK. I am always rather shocked and, yes, again outraged, that the person I am giving my personal details to does not say, No! That can’t be how old you are!
Age and the future
We live in a society that is always moving forward and looking to the future. However creative and productive you feel, at some point, that society decides that your relationship to the future is limited. You don’t count as much as you did because you’re considered to be outside the main economic and social thrust that is propelling change. In pre-industrial societies the elders were seen as repositories of wisdom that they drew on to guide the younger generations. Now in the digital age it is the young who are fully on top of all the technology needed to manage our day-to-day lives. Older people need to be taught and schooled to become familiar with tools the young grew up with. They can appear behind the times and even stubborn. There’s an increasing emphasis on older people’s mental decline.
The numbers as we age
It’s interesting how certain ages feel pivotal and how although we only become a year older, we feel as if we have aged a great deal more. Last year I crossed into a new decade, and it felt like such a big weight on my shoulders. Because so much energy in our society is taken up with resisting age, avoiding getting old when the numbers catch up then we can feel as if we are losing the battle.
I don’t use the word ‘battle’ by chance. The wish to stay looking young is often described in terms of a war—we’re encouraged to fight ageing, to resist any signs of decline. For women especially, all the narratives about getting older are full of fear and loss. We have so internalized this obsession with youth that we even turn on older women if we feel that they are not keeping up the correct standards of beauty.
As I write this blog, a lot is being talked about The Friends reunion—a show where all the actors come together to discuss what it was like and what they’ve been doing since it ended. One of the main things I noticed was how they all avoided close-up shots and how all the women and at least one of the men had had ‘work done.’ It was left to Joey to be the one most at ease, with his grey hair and big belly. I never appreciated him as much in his years of fame as I did watching the reunion.
My generation was going to change the world
I am a member of the Baby Boomer generation—the generation responsible for the counter-culture of the 1960s and the one that was going to change the world for the better. Recently, I read that now they are seen as the first consumer generation. It’s a sad epitaph on how the innovation and hope of that period was absorbed into mainstream culture. At a rough calculation there are currently more than one billion baby boomers, about 15% of the world’s population.
We might not have brought about the revolution we were seeking but one big change is that people are living longer and there are many more old people on the planet now than ever before. There are now more people over 65 than under the age of 5. Baby Boomers are the first generation to reach 60 and still have the possibility of a good span of years ahead. That’s a big social-economic shift and it brings with it all kinds of possibilities but challenges as well—such as the whole pension question. Older people are blamed for Brexit in the UK and generally, for not having picked up on climate change quickly enough—to mention just a few issues.
I wasn’t at Woodstock but I was at the Isle of Wight in 1970. I took part in many London demonstrations against the Vietnam war, and walked bare foot with flowing skirts, beads and flowers. Free love, communal living, the over-throw of authority, unfairness and bigotry all seemed possible. Now I learn of a new expression that younger people use particularly on social media, OK boomer. It’s basically used as a put-down for people—older people—whose attitudes they see as resisting change, or close-minded. There seems to be some sort of communication problem happening here.
Ageism in corona times
If there’s work to be done in building better understanding between the generations, then Covid certainly has not helped. The number of age discrimination claims taken to employment tribunals in England and Wales increased by 74% in 202o, reaching 176% between October and December 2020. Unemployment levels for workers in their 50s and 60s have soared, along with redundancies.
That is just part of the story. Because older people are more at risk from the virus, they have been blamed for the severity of lockdown measures.
Today I read an article in The Guardian about the experience of Generation Z during the pandemic. These are young people in their late teens and early twenties who have had such a hard time with their education and their first experiences of leaving home during such restrictions. There is no doubt that they have really lost out but I was saddened to see several of them blaming the elderly—those who have ‘the least to add to the world’, as one young woman put it.
Often they are unfairly targeted as if they are the only group vulnerable to the virus. It seems when times are hard it easier to blame groups of people and anyone over a certain age gets lumped together as ‘elderly’ and therefore problematic. We’ve seen improvements in tackling discrimination in terms of sex, race and disability and although there is still a long way to go, perhaps it’s time to address ageism and the depressing effect it has on allowing people to see their later years as a productive and creative time.
Ageing can also be growing
In this time of few elders who are listened to and respected as having wisdom and experience to share, it is important to explore the benefits of getting older. It can be a time to grow just as much as any other period of our lives. In fact, with the end of life coming closer the need for self-exploration, reflection, and creativity is all the more needed.
I am coming around to feeling that it does not so much matter if other people see me as old but how I feel in myself. My wish is to find my way through the projections and opinions about what it means to age and to use these years to experiment, to take risks, to find a new breadth of freedom and possibility. We did not truly let go of our inhibitions in the 1960s, although we tried. Perhaps now, with the knowledge and insight we have gained through all our joys and sorrows in the intervening years we can dig deep and finally let go of worries and neurosis that have plagued us for so long. Why not? What do we have to lose when there is so much to gain?
Awareness in Action is dedicated to building a community of people interested in living a life of meaning and purpose based on sustainable wellbeing. If you would like to join with us, you could make a start by sharing and commenting on the ideas you find in the blogs on these pages. Your story is part of our journey.
Winter is just beginning here in The Netherlands as I write this blog but somehow it already feels as if it has been here for some time. Like many other countries we have renewed restrictions because of the rising Coronavirus infection rate. Like many others, I have not had a face to face meeting with a friend for more than five weeks. The picnics and walks in nature that were a huge comfort during the earlier phases of the pandemic are much more problematic now with the weather taking a turn for the worse.
As I work at my desk emails come in from colleagues and friends in the UK worrying about the final dismal attempts to save the country from more economic hardship with the worse kind of Brexit deal. Political upset is rife right now with the election in the US, where it’s hard to find much to celebrate.
Everything points to a long, hard winter. I’ve heard of people who say that they’ve learnt helpful things from the enforced limitations that everyone’s been experiencing. Things that have led them to reassess parts of their lives and come to different conclusions about how they want to continue when things return to some kind of normal. Perhaps this winter could be a time to dig deeper and to see what habits we’ve gotten into that aren’t working for us any longer? Maybe, there are some new corners to turn, or things to unlock that could help us further down the road?
Here’s some of the places that I am looking into.
Getting in touch with my own tender heart
One of the things that attracted me to Tibetan Buddhism is the idea that all of us are naturally kind and loving. There’s no notion of original sin—rather original goodness. Each of us has the choice to work with our minds and hearts to uncover this goodness, which is presently covered over by neurosis and unhelpful habits.
As a long-term meditator, I do have confidence in this view of human nature. When I am well in myself it’s certainly possible to access the tenderness of my heart. I’m in touch with the idea that people want to be happy and not to have to deal with pain and suffering. The fact that pain and suffering is inevitable for myself and others certainly touches my heart deeply. There’s a strong motivation to somehow be of help and service.
It’s the times when I am not completely at ease where things get trickier. Here’s an example. In my view, Brexit is an appalling mistake and a terrible burden for future generations who have been deprived of the experience of being fully European. When looking at the politicians who have cynically made this happen it’s hard to feel the same tenderness of heart. It’s not impossible—I can dig deeper and find some understanding, but it’s fragile and is easily swept aside by my frustration.
This winter is likely to see all kinds of developments that will challenge the tenderness of my heart. One thing that works well for me is to check how I feel when I can count on that tenderness, as opposed to how I feel when I can’t. The difference between the two experiences is like the difference between the sparkle of a beautiful spring morning and the turbulence of a rainy winter afternoon.
Accepting the rawness of vulnerability
Earlier on I referred to the habits we have that tend to cover over our essential goodness. One of the most entrenched is our habit of not seeing things as they are. The very nature of life is that it is uncertain, and subject to constant change. This is too uncomfortable for us. We prefer certainty, continuity—we want to be in control.
The experience of this pandemic has brought home to us all how uncertain life is. Things we took for granted a few months ago now seem like a dream. Our habitual response is to try and protect ourselves so we can feel better. Our habit is to turn away from discomfort and to cover up any feelings of vulnerability. This habit has the effect of freezing circumstances which are actually fluid. It puts us in a cage created by our fear of discomfort.
I am trying to work on turning into those feelings of discomfort as a way of finding out what is actually going on. Leaning in means that I have to look at what is making me uncomfortable—to understand it and confront it. It’s the only way that there’ll be a chance to work with it and to open the door of the cage.
We could call this process of turning towards discomfort ‘the rawness of vulnerability’. When I manage to stay with all the uncomfortable feelings that come up for me—fear about coronavirus, feelings of loss as I miss seeing friends and family—then I am touching where I feel vulnerable. Rather than this making me feel weaker, it gives me courage because I am opening to what comes rather than closing. Connecting with my own vulnerability helps me to connect with the vulnerability of other people as well.
Not losing heart
I like to stay connected to the news and what is going on in the world, but it is not always easy. In fact, sometimes I can feel quite downhearted about how things are going. I can see that this is certainly something to keep an eye on through this long winter.
So, what happens when it all feels too much? It’s generally when I get too involved in opinions about what is happening. There’s a shift from understanding to taking sides and we’re back to not working from a tender heart. I am trying to work with this by recognizing when my own habits are coming into play and obscuring the issue. To do that, I need to widen my perspective and to pay close attention to how my reactions are working. My meditation is helpful here because it’s helped me to develop some degree of self-awareness.
I need to remember that everything I do matters. Even if I am just thinking stuff in my mind and not acting it out, I am still increasing my tendencies to behave in such a way. It’s another choice—do I want to add to the sufferings in the world with my own behaviour, or do I wantto try and work with my habits?
When I am able to pay attention and work with unhelpful habits then I am in touch with my own tender heart and there’s much less chance of losing heart. Then there is a chance to be able to share that with the people I come into contact with. Wasn’t it Gandhi who advised us to be the change we want to see in the world?
Awareness in Action is dedicated to building a community of people interested in living a life of meaning and purpose based on sustainable wellbeing. If you would like to join with us, you could make a start by sharing and commenting on the ideas you find in the blogs on these pages. Your story is part of our journey.
With all the upset and worry caused by the current Corona virus, it was a bit of a holiday to have something to celebrate. On 9 July 2020 my second book, The Stress Workbook was published. It’s been very heartening to receive so many congratulations from people. It’s particularly special to see people holding your book and getting ready to read it.
All my life I have looked for meaning and ways to work with my habits in order to live more harmoniously. It’s been a natural progression from that to write about things that are relevant to peoples’ lives. My blog aims to pick up on issues that impact wellbeing and offer ways to work to increase your own. So, when it was suggested to me that I should write about stress and show how compassion can help to work with it, I jumped at the chance.
1.We’re going through challenging times
There’s no doubt that the last few months have been extremely stressful. Worry about the virus is one thing but then there is all the fallout to deal with as well. Lockdown and all its ongoing effects have changed our lives in ways we could never have imagined a few months ago. Conversations with friends are opportunities to share how we are trying to manage the strangeness of the situation.
I had a significant birthday in June and had planned to celebrate the passing of another decade with trips to the UK to see family and friends. Obviously, the plan is now on hold. My eldest niece had her first baby during lockdown and as her mother is in the vulnerable category she had to go through the whole thing without her mother’s physical support. One of my nephews has lost his job because of layoffs and the other one had to celebrate getting his PhD in a virtual ceremony. All over the world people are struggling to cope with loss, upheaval, financial hardship, anxiety and uncertainty.
2. Stress is something we all need to cope with
Stress tends to get a bad press. When we talk about feeling stressed, we generally mean we don’t feel well in ourselves. That’s not surprising, as stress can make us tired, irritable, and generally uninspired. However, from an evolutionary point of view, our stress response was designed to keep us away from danger and safe enough to reproduce and raise our offspring. The trouble is that our modern lifestyle is very different from the one our ancestors led. The stress response that was designed to help us run away from danger, or to stand and fight it when we had the chance, nowadays is triggered by traffic jams, lost keys, crowded supermarkets and so on. Our sympathetic nervous system is chronically over-stimulated. We’ve become exhausted by our own reactions!
Although it is only natural to want things to go well in life and for things to turn out as we want, experience has shown us that life a series of ups and downs. We all face frustrations and disappointments. The Stress Workbook aims to show how stress is an inevitable part of life. We can learn to work with it in useful and productive ways that will benefit us.
3. The Stress Workbook points out our unhelpful habits
Of course, as we go through life, we adopt all kinds of coping mechanisms to help us get by. Some of these strategies work well but some of them can stop us being able to understand more about how we are coping.
For example, when we experience stress our tendency is to try and make it go away. We don’t want to feel uncomfortable, so we turn away from it. Sometimes we distract ourselves with a holiday, or TV, or by buying something new. Maybe we try and comfort ourselves but all too often it’s with an extra glass of wine, or more chocolate.
Another habit we have is that we don’t pay attention. Research has shown that for almost 50% of our waking hours we not thinking about what we are doing at that moment, but our mind is wandering off and thinking about completely different things. Have you ever driven home from somewhere and when you arrive, you have almost no memory of the journey at all? Or been in a meeting where you zoned out for large sections of the discussion and when it was your turn to speak, struggled to find the thread? The thing is that this does make us happy but rather stops us from being fully present for our experience.
Both of these habits are example of habits that get in our way and prevent us from moving forward. We need to replace them with beneficial habits—ones that will build our resilience and enhance our wellbeing.
4. We can develop new, useful habits to improve how we cope
With regard to stress the new habit we need to develop is that of leaning into our stress. This doesn’t mean to indulge in stress but to quietly allow ourselves to explore what is happening for us and how it is affecting us. We can begin to notice where in the body we register stress, and how it makes us react. Over time, we can learn to see what triggers our stress and even how to avoid these triggers. Instead of distracting ourselves we become curious to see how this all works and to find new ways of coping.
The best way to work with our wandering mind is through mindfulness meditation. With mindfulness we can learn to be in the present moment. Instead of going over something that has already happened, or worrying about what we’re planning to do next, we can simply be present. When we are present, we can bring so much more energy to what we are doing. We’re more focused and effective and our attention is sharper. That means we can notice what is going on for ourselves and others, so it’s a good strategy in working with stress.
5.We don’t necessarily see compassion as a means to work with stress
If we’re asked how we cope with stress, it’s likely that compassion is not the first tool that springs to mind. However, developing compassion for ourselves and other people helps to widen our perspective. Our focus on our own problems is lifted, as we take into account what is happening for other people. When we’re going through hard times, it’s all too easy to wonder, ‘why me’? Compassion teaches us to see that everyone, whoever they are, has difficulties and worries. We are not being singled out for special punishment. It’s just how life is.
Going on from this, we can take a fresh look at our reactions to events that cause us trouble. Let’s take an example. Say you had a work meeting that went badly and left you stressed and depleted. The event of the unsatisfactory meeting is one thing, but our tendency is then to pile on our reactions. We feel responsible for the meeting going wrong, while also feeling some anger towards those who did not agree with your point of view. So, we blame ourselves and blame other at the same time. Then we feel even more stressed and miserable. Learning to work with how we respond to difficult situations is an important act of self-compassion.
6. The Stress Workbook is packed full of practical, workable advice
Because this is a workbook, it’s full of reflections, exercises, worksheets and meditation scripts. The Stress Workbook is designed to flow as a continuous story and so the exercises are embedded into the text. This means that you can read the theory and then quickly put it into practice.
I have also included many stories from the workshops that I have given. They’re a great way to see how other people manage stress—where they get stuck and how they resolve it.
In theory you can begin at the beginning of the Stress Workbook, take your pencil and work through everything step-by-step. I suggest pencil because you might want to erase stuff and write something different. It means that you are evolving a set of strategies to work with stress through the power of compassion from the beginning of the workbook.
Do let me know how you get on. I always love to hear!
As the Corona Virus story develops, I’ve found myself thinking quite a bit of what it means to forgive. It’s something about the intensity of the current situation that’s made me question some of my basic assumptions around certain relationships.
What’s to forgive?
We’re several months into the Corona Crisis now and the atmosphere has changed since it all began. To begin with there was a sense that we are all in this together. Our shared vulnerability brought us together and made us feel close. Sadly, as events have unfolded this closeness has been exposed on many levels as being only skin-deep.
Huge gaps have opened up between how countries choose to protect their citizens. The divide between rich and poor countries is echoed in the difference between how well-off families are coping and what it’s like for lower-income families. Frontline workers receive plenty or praise but, in many cases have not been given the protections they need to care for themselves as they fight the virus. Old people in care homes, along with their carers have been too often over-looked. Insidiously, the virus has proven to have an even more devastating effect on BAME citizens. The global economy is reeling.
We all have our views of how different sectors are dealing with the crisis. As a Brit living in the Netherlands, I am profoundly grateful for the no-nonsense, practical approach that I find here. With family and friends living in the UK, I am consumed with sorrow and worry. It’s all too easy to blame politicians for not taking enough care. Forgiveness seems in short supply.
Am I able to forgive?
There are politicians who inspire trust and confidence. When they get things wrong it’s much easier to understand that no-one is perfect and to want to forgive them. The whole process is helped along when people in the public eye are able to admit it when they get things wrong and focus on putting it right.
Part of the challenge is that we live in such polarised times. It troubles me that I only need to hear the name of certain public figures to feel upset, or even angry. How can I forgive someone that I do not trust?
Perhaps this is the very time to try to go deeper. Why would someone act in ways that are dishonest and self-seeking? Does it imply a person at ease with themselves and their world? Could there be a possibility for a compassionate approach here—to try to separate the person from their actions? When we feel threatened, or uncertain it’s all too easy to behave in ways that are not necessarily beneficial. It does not mean that there is not a person inside who wishes to manage better but is currently struggling.
My approach just now is to try and see the person behind the actions that I disagree with and to try to fathom their reasons for being the way they are. It’s not easy for sure but I want to try. My wish is to stand for what I belief in with fervour but minus the hostility. I want forgiveness to be my fall back position.
Buddhist teaching on Buddhanature
When I encountered Buddhism, I was attracted by the presentation of what is called Buddhanature. It’s the idea that each of us is fundamentally whole, fully aware, wise and compassionate by nature—in other words, perfect as we are. It’s kind of the opposite of original sin. The thing is that we do not recognise our nature for what it is. We get distracted and follow along with the products of that distraction—ego, neurosis, self-absorption and so on. That means that we can behave in all kind of unfortunate ways.
The Buddhist path is all about learning to access your Buddhanature more effectively. However, here’s the thing—everyone has Buddhanature, including those politicians who I can no longer trust. So, here is the source of my aspiration to separate the person from their actions and to cut down on judgment. If I can remember for a moment that a person’s nature is whole and full of potential, then I can feel regret when they are not living up to it. Just as I do with myself. That makes it easier to forgive.
Focusing on the personal
It’s a way to try and stay personal with someone. To remember that they are a human being, just like me. I call it ‘focusing on the personal’. It’s much easier to put into practice with people that you know.
I’ve had two recent examples of how being able to forgive brings about so much relief and ease. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been struggling with a feeling of hurt with a family member. Harsh words were exchanged, and other members of the family got drawn in. It was very uncomfortable. When lockdown began, I heard that this person was in isolation and all alone. Somehow this knowledge cut right through all my feelings of displeasure and judgment. I immediately picked up the phone and had the first real conversation that we had enjoyed for months. All the things that I had objected to seemed to be quite insignificant in the face of all that was going on with regard to the pandemic. It seemed that in fact, there really was nothing to forgive.
The second example is with a group of people that I work with. We’re a loosely connected bunch, who are being asked to work together more closely. As we’ve never really gelled in a creative way, there was a high level of apprehension. A member of the group suggested that we meet together and tell each other two or three things that we find inspiring about the way we work. The effect was powerful. In expressing what inspired us in each of the people in the group, a long history of mistrust seemed to be swept away. Again, it seemed that after all, there was nothing to forgive.
In my experience, the pressing background of the pandemic can act as a catalyst that makes it more possible to forgive but it takes attention and work.
This 60-page e-book is packed full of guidance on simple, practical steps to make meditation part of your everyday life. You can find more here
Awareness in Action is dedicated to building a community of people interested in living a life of meaning and purpose based on sustainable wellbeing. If you would like to join with us, you could make a start by sharing and commenting on the ideas you find in the blogs on these pages. Your story is part of our journey.
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